Entry no. 3 - I don't have a life.

It's been already six days since that incident and I don't feel that anxious anymore except I just don't feel like going to my sister's new store even if I want to for the reason that they might see me. Shamefully, I have been spending my days at home lying down, not even doing my task for my masters. For the record though, I have been thinking of getting a teaching job at a private school with my friend but the thing is - I my heart is not really in it. Maybe I'm just too lazy to actually go for something I may actually want to do.

Ever since I graduated in college back in 2015, I have been unemployed and never landed a job in my entire life except my freelancing works online from time to time. In 2016, my parents urged me to take courses to become a teacher which I did and even passed the LET in my first try. Although I am already qualified to teach and I even slightly believe that I can get a job, something's telling me in the back of my head that I will not. It probably because when I was job hunting, my first two (2) tries at two (2) different companies failed because first I wasn't prepared and second - I was prepared but nepotism. I was just so disappointed with myself that I even got depressed and slept from morning till night; I didn't go outside for month and it's the reason why I was able to finish watching the whole episode of Naruto Shippuden - because I didn't have a life.

Honestly, it doesn't worry me that much that I don't have a stable job because I have my side hustles which I can conveniently do at home. However, my parents expected me to have a stable career and also, I don't want the society to think that I'm a failure. I don't know why I care so much about what the other people think of me. Sometimes, I even wish that I took a solid course back then like medical courses or maybe engineering courses. Actually, before I got into an accident, my original course was Pharmacy which was decided for me by my parents but I have no issue with that, I didn't even think much of it. Then the bus accident happened and I have to stop for a year and came back with a different course which was IT. I'm not even good when it comes to computers and stuff. My college days were a blur and I don't remember much of it.

Next year, I'm going to be 28 years old and I still have no direction with my life- I am by no means proud about it, I just think that I'm stuck in these hell-hole of my own making and I can't seem to get out of it - no matter how hard I want to want it.

Entry no. 2 - A fresh start sounds nice.

I admit that when it comes to my online persona, I am very outspoken to the point of being obnoxious and at times rude. It's been something that I'm working on but too lazy to actually do. I know it's not right but I just can't help myself; I just have this need of letting other people know about the things I find interesting and frustrating.

Last Thursday, I got the taste of my own medicine and I really don't like this kind of feeling of impending doom. If only I can go back in time and change what happened; If only I slept through my indignation after I saw my sisters FB Story; If only I'm a little bit patient; If only I'm not like me; then I wouldn't be put in this kind of situation where I feel like the whole community is against me. I'm not saying that what I did is wrong because if anything- everything I said is justified, but I could have chosen my battles a little more wisely.

What I can do now is to wait for this to be over. I already made my Facebook and Instagram private, and I deleted any trace of me online because I don't want them to find out about me - although I know they already probably did. I just want to hide and be left alone. I know what I did is not the most evil thing in the world, however, I'm not used to this at all. This is actually my first time to have someone so angry of me because I said something I shouldn't have.

It's not the greatest feeling in the world to have an enemy where they can always rally supporters behind them because they are that famous and powerful. I feel so helpless and scared. I know that this too shall pass but I can't wait for this to be over - for the people who knew about this whole fiasco to forget about the whole thing entirely. While it sounds impossible given the kind of attitudes and toxicity that they have posses - I hope that they will find it in their hearts to forget and not make a big deal out of this - although I know they probably already did.

Hopefully, by writing this down, I can sort out my feelings and find strength to get through this situation, and at the same time, I can improve my writing skills because I noticed that I have been using the same words over and over again. 

Now, it will be harder for me to go out without being anxious and paranoid. The desire to live faraway from this town is strong. I just want to be somewhere else, so faraway where nobody knows anything about me. A fresh new start sounds nice.

Entry no. 1 - Under the piles of dead and abandoned blogs

 Hello!

I made this blog out on a whim because I feel like it’s safer to air out some of my innermost feelings here without censoring myself; which I can’t do on my main social media accounts for fear of people thinking negatively about me.

Though twitter is the safest bet since I only know 2 people there in real life, I just don’t feel safe anymore after what happened to me 2 day ago because there will always be people who would tell on you. I also have 2 Facebook dummy accounts, 1 twitter dummy account but I forgot both username and password - so here I am.

I chose this space because there’s millions of blogs out there and I doubt anyone would find this particular blog of mine under the piles of dead and abandoned blogs, I doubt anyone would ever come across this particular site, much less read it. Now, I have an outlet to rant about the people I don’t like and frustrations about my life and to the world.

This is going to be a journey because I usually have a lot to say about stuff. However I am not a good communicator, being silent is how I usually go about my day until I open my Facebook or twitter. I also want to do this because these days, something tells me that I’m becoming less sharper. I can hardly understand the words I’m reading, or fully digest the words I’m hearing. Maybe this is the sign of me getting old.

And by the way, who still reads personal blogs nowadays? It helps that most of the people are on Tiktok and YouTube because I'm both scared and ashamed that someone would stumble upon this small place, but oddly enough, I feel excited too! If you ever find yourself here, please say HI.